A very important factor in understanding a person’s behavior while in therapy is the time or era that the behavior happened in. What I mean by this is, to truly understand why a person did what they did, you also have to understand how society was at the time.

For example, a few years ago I was in the emergency room with one of my children. In the room there was a book was about what good boys and girls got for Christmas. As I read this story out loud, it was a happy story about a girl who got a doll and a ball for Christmas. However, the good boy got a whip and a hammer! At first, I was amazed that the author would think that giving a young boy a whip and a hammer would be considered safe and fun gifts. But then I looked when the book was first published and it was in the 1930’s when a whip and a hammer were considered very fun and appropriate gifts. Ironically, my son liked the idea about having a whip, and is still waiting for one to show up at the toy store (it will be a very long wait, indeed).

The same thing goes for when we try to understand our parents behavior. If your childhood was 25 or more years ago, to understand why your parents did what they did, you also have to understand the era. Any doubts, just look at child rearing books from the decade you grew up in. Or yet, look at the common sayings pre-1980‘s: “Spare the rod, spoil the child” or “Children should be seen and not heard”. In fact, in the 1950’s and 1960’s many “experts” discouraged hugging or telling a child “I love you” reasoning that the child would not become independent.

Did you have a single parent? Good luck to that parent! There was very little help available outside of family members or close friends to support a single parent. And if it was your mother raising you, there were even more limitations on what she could do to support the family. Wages were far less for women doing the same job as compared to men. Along with less wages, the kind of work available for a woman to do was also restricted. When I went to graduate school in the 1980’s, I was told by two professors that the only reason myself and my female classmates were in the program was because of Affirmative Action. Times have changed. The majority of graduate programs in psychology now consist of female students.

Luckily, for all concerned many things have changed, including how we should raise our children. Statistically, parents spend more time with their children now than they did in the 1970’s. Parents are encouraged to show affection to their children. It is my personal belief that most (not all) parents really do the best they can. There will always be something that a parent could have done better, no one can be perfect all the time. But before you judge a parent, or anybody for that matter, you have to understand the era in which the “bad” behavior was in. President Kennedy had multiple trysts outside of his marriage which was ignored by the press at that time. The same behavior today would make headlines in our newspapers. Do I agree with President Kennedy’s behavior? No. But at that time, it was not seen as unacceptable as it would today.

For parents of today. Be forewarned. Even though you are doing the best that you can, I can guarantee that your child will tell you at some time in the future what you did wrong. Don’t be hard on yourself. No one is perfect, and you have to remember what the standards were when you were raising your child. That in itself can be a wonderful lesson.